Change Stimulates Inspiration

this is what ive decided.

And the change can be big or it can be small.
I like change, i think it is good, it keeps me from getting stuck ina rut
or ina routine, i like routine for a while, but certainly not for too long.
I would go out of my way to break a routine if it ended up going longer than a couple of weeks.
but like i said the change can be small, as small as going to the theater to get some visual stimulation. or going to a forum where issues are being discussed so your brain starts thinking of something other than what you are working on at the time.

My thinking tends to always be focused on my art making, research for what im currently making or ideas for what i can make next. Generally i wouldnt do anything just for one thing, a lot of my thinking overlaps, this was born out of the art school structure, and i think it is healthy. take a concept and run with for each subject. Let your studio work be what everything is revovled around, let your drawing priject develop your studio, let your theory paper inform your conceptual theories. everything overlaps. ive taken this structure and applied it to everything else in ym life. now that i think about it i think it was already likethat to a degree, but now its more considered. ill sew to make a hoodie, bu il also sew to get better at sewing so when the time comes for wearable arts ill have a high enough quality. if i was just to sew to make the hoody i probably would never get around to it. I'll run to get fit, something i would never do if that was the only reason, but my alterior motive is to be fit so i can dance and sing att he same time without being out of breath. I'll struggle away trying to play guitar, so that it helps me to write music, and ill do some creative writing, so that im better able to write lyrics, and gradually i mix the two and still struggle trying to create something brilliant in the hope that one day it will just happen naturally, but not just for the sakeof it, im doing it to when the time comes i can launch into the big dreams i have, that i was talking about last post which stil will not divulge.
one because i think to divulge in this way would just not to justice to the magnificence of it. or would fail to portry my excitement for it.

i cant remember where it was i started
ahhh change....
doing something for too long takes the fun out of it. so i say stop as soon as it starts to get tedious and break for a while dosomething else, maybe change location, could go to the cafe down the street, or to the beach, or to the other side of the world in mycase.
Ithink at the time i really was needing to get out of dunedin in order to find some creative inspiration from somewhere else and i really have i am so blessed to have had that truly awesome experience in singapore and now to be in europe i am having so many ideas and im getting a lot of workdone because, i have little friends and no other commitments so i fill my time in with work, there are a lot of hours in the day to fill. but im doing very well, i keep getting more and more inspiration.
going to church realy feeds that inspiration and seeing the art history of europe and the cathedrals. but i cant do one thing for too long, thats why im advocating that change stimulates inspiration. if iwas to draw,for example, fortoo long how tired i would get of it quickly, but if i break to play guitar or sing i am soon back to drawing with the same enthusiasm.

Utrecht really isnt that inspiring, it is dreary here, and cold, i am truly settled into this place and have establised a loose routine which i am going to break very soon by going to germany for a week. to do some 'research'. so im working hard now to expend all my ideasthat i already have so in a coupl of weeks i can gothere with an empty well and it will fill right to the top again. what a brilliant way to work:)

that is all

a little faith

its funny how the busier we get the less time there is to ponder the meaning of life
and what we are here for. I think that must be one of the devils best tricks. To keep the people weighed down with stresses of living and working that we dont have time to reflect on the goodness of life.
well it was just a thought
the devil seems to employ many tricks to keep our mind off god, or mad at god, or not even believing in God.
sometimes it all gets too much for me, because theres no way for me to compete with that, and there are times when it seems Gods not even trying to compete,
maybe hes giving the devil false securitythat hes won, and in the end God will sneak up from behind when he least expects and knock him for six. too bad for the rest of us who also will get a big surprise, and then 'WHAM', judgement, "get away from me you sinners"

Last night i went to a worship and prayer service at Crossroads, the church that ive been going to in Amstelveen.
Let me first just say whata mission it is to get to this church. I found this church on the internet and there are no English speaking churches in Utrecht and in fact i only found about 5 churches in my search on the net in Utrecht, that is really sad because there are 200,000 people living here. and these churches didnt appear to be very lively, its amazing they were up with the technology game. OK, me and simone have been going to church together, i have to bike 20min to the train station, we buy a 10.50 euro return ticket to Amsterdam Zuid (South) WTC pronounced (armsterdarm soud way tay say), which we have a lot of fun saying over and over. We travel about 20min, then switch trains and go another two stops. then we catch a metro, called a sneltram, normally have t wait about 7min, travel for 12min, costs about 1.50euro. then we have to walk about another 10min to get the the building. all this takes over an hour, assuming the trains are on time, and in NZ dollars thats about $24, to get to church to worship our awesome creator in fellowship with other christians.
Well we've been three times now, and the messages have been really awesome and get me thinking and inspired, so thats great, and the music teams are really good and the songs the sing are differnt from the tired ones weve been singing back home. It is great to be able to come here and find spiritual nourishment. well weve been three weeks and nobody has talked to us, this is a little saddening, we've been trying to get into a small group that is in utrecht but they are a little unorganised. we introduced ourselves to a few people but they werent terrilby interested.

and the thing is... at school in my studio, ive just been turning up every now and then and getting myself settled and putting some work up on the walls and people have been going out of their way to introduce themselves and find who i am and where i am from and wishing me the best of luck, and hoping i enjoy the school and being in utrecht.
this really does say something about the inwardness of the church.
maybe this experience was called for because many churches are like this, studentsoul included. I mean im not really very good at leaping into conversations with people, but this has really opened my eyes to the necessity of it.
we can get really comfortable in church, and we make some really really good close friends and many of them... and sometimes we dont want to take the time to make any more, but church is about more than community with each other, which of course we should always be aiming for, but its also about us helping each other in our community to God. anyway....that was a side track

i wanted to write some thoughts from the worship service, and what i think may have been the start of an answer to prayer.
The theme of the service was FAITH, HOPE and LOVE. we sang and expressed our praises to God, for God and all that he'd done for us, there was a short message, well more like points to ponder about faith and hope and love, and in between praying specifically for those things and more singing, and at the end communion. It was really good, i went there expecting it to be good, and to get my spiritual edification for the week and i did. I didnt expect God to talk to me or to be touched by his power and fall to the ground, and he didnt. but i came away having alot to think about and many things that in their abstract ways inform and build up the basis of what my school work is about.
Faith and Hope. These things, these ideas or concepts are hard to define. but there were some really good definitions given last night, but im not sure they're something you could ever really pin down and explain in their fullness. and certainly not in such a short time, i think ill be thinking about these two things for quite a while yet.
but here are some intial thoughts and notes that i took:
- a summary of Heb 11. Nothing for God is achieved without faith.
- we can move mountains with the faith of a mustard seed, but we shouldnt settle for that
What does it mean to really have faith? even faith so small as a mustard seed
To truly have faith in something? in God?
"faith is being certain of things unseen..."
Having a vision of something not yet achieved or even percievable and yet being certain that God will allow it to happen.

I think there's something about HOPE that stirs in my soul more deeply than the idea of faith, im not sure what or why....
i think Hope has the power to bring about change. change in circumstance and change in people.
if we have our hope in the right thing of course.
If our whole life is Christ centred we become a people of hope. Hope is more optimistic, more uplifting.
it was said.... "hope is believeing in spite of the evidence and then watching the evidence change"
i think if we are a people living in hope, then it is that hope that will be most attractive to those without hope. If we are living with our hope in God, in a world where the evidence suggests that there is nothing to be hopeful for, then what an awesome witness that is.

Another thing about hope... God wants to give us our hearts desire, he stirs in us dreams and purpose and asks us 'my child, what is your hope? what do you want me to do for you?'
if only we had enough faith to believe He could really help us achieve those huge dreams :)
The blind man heard that Jesus was walking down the road and so yelled out Jesus, Jesus. Jesus heard him and ordered he be brought to him, he said "what is it you want me to do or you?" its a funny thing... even we know what it is he wants, his sight. And he gets it. And of course Jesus knew what it was he wanted, yet he asks him anyway. And hes asking us too, and sometimes we dont even know what we want, yet surely he knows even if we dont, but its something we have to figure out, God ive noticed, doesnt force himself on anyone.
But its great to know that God has given us permission to ask for him to fulfill our hopes


well we were asked to pray and reflect on the things tht we needed more faith for, things in our deepest parts of ourselves, deepest fears and pain, worries and uncertainties.
What are the things that are holding us back from really being faith-fulled? maybe there are things that need renouncing and habits that need to be changed.

I thought about this, what was something i really desired and needed more faith for.
I prayed for conviction in Jesus and i prayed for clarity of mind and speech, to be able to speak to others with conviction.
you see, i think my eyes were opened that night just a little wider, and i put my finger on the missing element. Before i was praying that i might have the words bla bla bla to speak to unbelievers (i hate that word) with conviction. and that i might have an argument for the case of christ that would stir in the hearts bla bla bla of pre-christians (that has got to be the worst word we've ever come up with) you see, i am missing what is fundamental for the christian belief, and ive been trying to figure this out for yonks now, why there was this part of me that just wasnt getting it and that the Jesus thing just didnt feel quite right. I dont doubt the existence of God, not for a moment, ive experienced God to know that hes a reality.

But what i need is the conviction of Jesus.
because whenever it comes up im thinking, 'this really doesnt make any sense to me, why is there the need for sacrifice?' it seems inhumane, and even more, ungodly, it seems unclean in a way.
Jesus, is the thing that makes Christianity from any other religion. He set the standard of how we should live our lives, he is God and made it possible to be in relationship to God. well i dont doubt he existed and i try to live in his image. but why the need for sacrifice? And yet it is the sacrifice of Jesus that is the most important part of christian belief. Soif im not convicted of its truth then how will i ever speak truth wth conviction.

I believe God has begun to answer this prayer. I came home last night and was surfing the net for some song lyrics that we had sung that night and i came across www.livingwaters.com
on this site there is a video message you can play. The message by Ray Comfort is titled 'hells best kept secret' (a little bit cheesy for my liking) but i started watching it, because i wanted to find out if it really was 'the most important message you may ever hear'. And... well i have to say slowly it dawned on me what it was i needed to learn, from watching the first 8 minutes of this message. I watched the rest of it today becaseu it was quite late, and it was a lot to take in, of course there were parts that were really good and parts that weren't so good. when i say good, i mean agreeable. but these things need more thinking over, and im going to watch it again and reserve comment for then. But i think it was really great that God would answer this prayer so fast, even if it wasnt with a bang.
I think when i become convicted of Jesus, then i could truly know what love is.

Last summer God was teaching me what it meant to 'seek with your whole heart'
To give to God your whole heart and not hold it in reserve for anyone or anything else. it was a painful lesson, but it grew me alot, and its something that i will forever be learning i think, love is such a complex thing, i dont think you can ever stop learning it.

well it was good to get those thoughts out about faith and hope, now it means i can think better to develop those thoughts.

its funny how its seems easy to have faith to do with some things and not with others...
ive been envisioning and dreaming huge things recently for the things that i want to acheive for the future, I'm telling you these things are huge!!! and im not going to divulge them yet, because it seems the more i divulge the huger they, and quite frankly i dont knw if i could handle to dream any bigger. i dont know how it will come about, i dont even know what im going to do after i graduate, but im not worried about it, somehow in Gods divine time, these things will come about and i have faith in that. All i can do now is make the most of the experineces i am having now and know that i can draw in them in the future.
And im not worried about finding a husband either, and in no hurry anymore (something i learned from seeking with my whole heart) my standards are high, and specific. I need someone to work with to accomplish these visions God is giving me and i know God will bring us together.... o dear that sounds like bullshit doesnt it.
in other words, things will work out just the way they're supposed to. without my intervention.
sometimes i think, well God, you've got a mighty fine task to find someone for me that is good enough, and i doubt the possibility, but then i remember, God is God and he can do anything.

ok enough

dont put me in a box

I hate the word 'christian' i would even go so far as to say i hate it with a passion. when people ask me if i am religious i hate to say i am a christian, not because i am ashamed of what i believe or who i believe in, but because of the stereotype that gets put on me straight away, without someone really knowing me. It is so frustrating, becasue i actually dont know any other answrer to give as yet.
well i dont blame people for having preconcieved ideas about christianity,i mean historically a lot of horrific things have been done in the name of christianity, a lot of blood has been shed in the name of God, and then people are like, 'god cannot exist if he lets these things go on in his name'
And they hate 'the church' and its people because all it is is a power machine to keep control of the people and take your money.
Christians are dirt, and nothing but hypocrites. so why do i associate myself with this name? i dont know... I was trying to think of another name for what i believe (as well as new words for stupid christian language) you know its really hard to do that when its something youve lived with your whole life.
Ive started refering to God as my Creator, i think this is better, i never really like to use God as a title because its so impersonal, alot of the names of God are too 'christian' but 'my Creator' is good because it is personal, he is my Creator, and it is descriptive, he created me. or i say The Creator implying he is the only one.
i know so many people who grew up in the catholic church and now are so turned off by the church and are so angry at God, its really not funny, in fact it saddens me so much.

The first night i arrived in Utrecht, and within about two hours of meeting one of my flatmates, the only one home at the time, we had had the'religion' discussion. oh man did i screw it up.
from now on im going to try and just talk about what i believe and not what group it is.
I believe there is something bigger than us out there, who created the whole universe and made each of us with loving uniqueness, he longs for us to respond to Him and his tiny murmerings within our soul, he meets with those who search for Him with all of their being. He gave us authority over the earth and the animals, and we simply havent treatd it right, we have transgressed God, our creator and we transgress one another. The penalty of sin is death. The Creator, came to earth in the form of a man, to set an example of how we should live, but we killed him, but being divine he conquered death and came back from the dead, and still we dont follow his ways. Because he conquered death we are made clean in the eyes of God, if we turn from deception and believe Him we are not stained with sin and are made perfect in the eyes of God. It was because God loved us so much that he made this possible.

well this probably wont work, ill have a hard time sayng all that convincingly, the truth is 'their' arguements are simply more convincing than mine. God is just far too complex to explain.

Cold Mountain

Last night i watched Cold Mountain, i just have to say, this is a bloody brilliant movie. I thought it was beautiful. it really was a masterpiece. Nicole Kidman has certainly outdone herself with this performance, it was kind of odd to hear her put on a southern american accent, but her character was beautiful, the whole story was beautiful. I cried alot, it is set in the American Civil War 1860 -65ish, so much blood was shed, such horrors the world has been through. I also laughed alot, the character of Renee Zellweger was hilarious, just the way that she went about things and was so blunt, so beautiful!!! The set was magical, an inspiration.
its not so fresh in my mind anymore, i should have written about it last night, becasue i dont remember it so well anymore. oh well next time ill know

an attempt to clear the cobwebs in my mind

I wish id known about this long ago, this blog thing could prove to be revolutionary in my creative writing. Writing is really a great thing, it helps to clarify thoughts and opinions, of which i havent in the past seem to have had very many of.
These posts are gonna be all over the place i imagine... as i try to get my toughts out onto the computer screen.
and alot of spelling mistakes probably, although there is a spelcheck which is handy.

Well this is great, i would never had done this before even if i had known about it properly, i think it is the environment that i am in at the moment. I'min Europe, on the other side of the world, it is sofar from the place i would call home. But i like it here, well mostly... the weather isnt great, and the dutch are a weird bunch of people. anyway that another story.
I have a laptop, this is one of the best things i have ever bought, the other best thing i have ever bought is my digital camera, im telling you a digi cam has got to be the best thing ever invented. it really has proved invaluable to me. and now i have a laptop, it was a real toss up weather to buy or not becaseu it is such an awful amount of money to spend, and i didnt make sense to buy a cheap one becaseu i would need t use it for video editing and other such things that require the specs to be of the more expensive nature. any way... it is also proving to be invaluable becuase, along with other factors; there being broadband internet at my flat here in Utrecht, which means unlimited access, and noone kicking u off to use the phone, and it is fast and immediate, you can jump on as soon as you think of something you want to look up, knowledge is right there at your fingertips it is so great, its a brilliant way to research and to develop conceptual ideas... ok moving on the other factor is the house has central heating!! you will not believe how such a difference this makes to my abiblity to think and to work productively. there is no energy going into trying not to be cold and my movements are not confined by many layers of clothing, it is so freeing, so liberating to be in a place like this, even when the weather is so bad outside.

anyway my point, is all these factors combined, i have already achieved so much and ive only really been here 2weeks, i cant believe ive been here two weeks already!!, i can email people easily, and chat on msn, i dont feel like im away from home becasue i can talk to my friends so easily. and i can do graphic design easily adn send it instantly. I've achieved a lot educationally, but also i can see how this is so beneficial to my creative thinking, by having a place like this where i can place my thoughts that has, well from my piont of view, more purpose than a personal diary or journal.

Im not very good at talking, anyone who knows me will know i can never articulate properly vocally whats in my head. which by the way most often does actually make sense. When put on the spot my mind really does go blank, its a bain, its not till afterwards that the intelligent response that is hiding somewhere in there decides to surface and by then its a little late, generally. So i hope this is a good outlet for clarifying my opinions.
becasue quite often i dont know what i think
but im beggining to see it getting better, i am developing my own mind.
Well this is posted on the net for the whole world to see, which i guess makes me a tad vulnerable, but people at least might start to understand me a little.

I like to think about the meaning of life, though im not sure id phrase it that way per say.
its more like 'what the hell is God thinking...?' what was he thinking when he created the universe, what was he thinking letting the earth get the way it is, what the hell is he thinking when he doesnt show himself clearly, and there are little people suffering for the mistakes of others. when will he heal his broken people?
well first of all, i truly believe there is a God, he created the universe, and he is a God of love, he is Love. but i dont know why i believe this and i can understand why many people have a hard time believing this. Generally their arguements are much more convincing than mine, but still i believe. go figure.

I guess im holding on to hope. I just cant accept that this life is all there is.
there are many things of the world that point to something bigger than us, that point to a creator, someone who has designed us with the complexities that only something far greater and complex could design, and each of us differnt, and individual.
this world cannot simply be physical, its not just only a visible realm. There has to be a realm of the invisible of the spiritual, the supernatural. because so many people hve experienced it, so many have had spiritual encounters, ive had spiritual encounters.
What is the realm of the invisible? can science explain it? the metaphysical is so unknown, quantum physics trys to explain the unexplainable, but how can you ever know?

So i believe there is God, i dont know why he doesnt reveal himself more clearly, or speak just a little bit louder so you can hear him. When it comes to the suffering of the world, our world is degenerating and will keep doing so. i think the pain and suffering of this world is a universal thing and of course christians are not exempt from it. Pain and suffering has entered the world because 'the world' as a whole has not turned to God. There are children who enter the world and go straight into a life of pain and suffering, because, they frm the time of their birth didnt immediatley turn to God?? of course not, how could they know? but it is the world around them that continues to degenerate, and most likey will get worse and worse for each generation becuase they dont know any other way. (which is what plato was talking about) which really isnt fair, and many people ask why would God allow such a thing? i really dont know the answer to that very well, all i know is God is God, he's big, his thinking is much more complex than anyone could imagine, but he IS a loving God and he helps those who cry out to him, I am a christian, I have suffered, i know because i have tried it. Therefore our job as christians is to show others that even though we live in a world that is hurting very badly, there is still some hope.

I cry often... when i see someone hurting. I have a deep sadness for the broken people of the world, for those who have been emotionally wounded and especially those who have been hurt by the church. Will the church ever be able to re-establish its integrity?
i dont know... I weep, sometimes in embarassing places too, If i feel so much sadness at the state of the world, i know Gods sadness is a thousand times more, it must tear Him up inside to see his beautiful creations falling apart. But He will fix it when it is the right time.