an attempt to clear the cobwebs in my mind

I wish id known about this long ago, this blog thing could prove to be revolutionary in my creative writing. Writing is really a great thing, it helps to clarify thoughts and opinions, of which i havent in the past seem to have had very many of.
These posts are gonna be all over the place i imagine... as i try to get my toughts out onto the computer screen.
and alot of spelling mistakes probably, although there is a spelcheck which is handy.

Well this is great, i would never had done this before even if i had known about it properly, i think it is the environment that i am in at the moment. I'min Europe, on the other side of the world, it is sofar from the place i would call home. But i like it here, well mostly... the weather isnt great, and the dutch are a weird bunch of people. anyway that another story.
I have a laptop, this is one of the best things i have ever bought, the other best thing i have ever bought is my digital camera, im telling you a digi cam has got to be the best thing ever invented. it really has proved invaluable to me. and now i have a laptop, it was a real toss up weather to buy or not becaseu it is such an awful amount of money to spend, and i didnt make sense to buy a cheap one becaseu i would need t use it for video editing and other such things that require the specs to be of the more expensive nature. any way... it is also proving to be invaluable becuase, along with other factors; there being broadband internet at my flat here in Utrecht, which means unlimited access, and noone kicking u off to use the phone, and it is fast and immediate, you can jump on as soon as you think of something you want to look up, knowledge is right there at your fingertips it is so great, its a brilliant way to research and to develop conceptual ideas... ok moving on the other factor is the house has central heating!! you will not believe how such a difference this makes to my abiblity to think and to work productively. there is no energy going into trying not to be cold and my movements are not confined by many layers of clothing, it is so freeing, so liberating to be in a place like this, even when the weather is so bad outside.

anyway my point, is all these factors combined, i have already achieved so much and ive only really been here 2weeks, i cant believe ive been here two weeks already!!, i can email people easily, and chat on msn, i dont feel like im away from home becasue i can talk to my friends so easily. and i can do graphic design easily adn send it instantly. I've achieved a lot educationally, but also i can see how this is so beneficial to my creative thinking, by having a place like this where i can place my thoughts that has, well from my piont of view, more purpose than a personal diary or journal.

Im not very good at talking, anyone who knows me will know i can never articulate properly vocally whats in my head. which by the way most often does actually make sense. When put on the spot my mind really does go blank, its a bain, its not till afterwards that the intelligent response that is hiding somewhere in there decides to surface and by then its a little late, generally. So i hope this is a good outlet for clarifying my opinions.
becasue quite often i dont know what i think
but im beggining to see it getting better, i am developing my own mind.
Well this is posted on the net for the whole world to see, which i guess makes me a tad vulnerable, but people at least might start to understand me a little.

I like to think about the meaning of life, though im not sure id phrase it that way per say.
its more like 'what the hell is God thinking...?' what was he thinking when he created the universe, what was he thinking letting the earth get the way it is, what the hell is he thinking when he doesnt show himself clearly, and there are little people suffering for the mistakes of others. when will he heal his broken people?
well first of all, i truly believe there is a God, he created the universe, and he is a God of love, he is Love. but i dont know why i believe this and i can understand why many people have a hard time believing this. Generally their arguements are much more convincing than mine, but still i believe. go figure.

I guess im holding on to hope. I just cant accept that this life is all there is.
there are many things of the world that point to something bigger than us, that point to a creator, someone who has designed us with the complexities that only something far greater and complex could design, and each of us differnt, and individual.
this world cannot simply be physical, its not just only a visible realm. There has to be a realm of the invisible of the spiritual, the supernatural. because so many people hve experienced it, so many have had spiritual encounters, ive had spiritual encounters.
What is the realm of the invisible? can science explain it? the metaphysical is so unknown, quantum physics trys to explain the unexplainable, but how can you ever know?

So i believe there is God, i dont know why he doesnt reveal himself more clearly, or speak just a little bit louder so you can hear him. When it comes to the suffering of the world, our world is degenerating and will keep doing so. i think the pain and suffering of this world is a universal thing and of course christians are not exempt from it. Pain and suffering has entered the world because 'the world' as a whole has not turned to God. There are children who enter the world and go straight into a life of pain and suffering, because, they frm the time of their birth didnt immediatley turn to God?? of course not, how could they know? but it is the world around them that continues to degenerate, and most likey will get worse and worse for each generation becuase they dont know any other way. (which is what plato was talking about) which really isnt fair, and many people ask why would God allow such a thing? i really dont know the answer to that very well, all i know is God is God, he's big, his thinking is much more complex than anyone could imagine, but he IS a loving God and he helps those who cry out to him, I am a christian, I have suffered, i know because i have tried it. Therefore our job as christians is to show others that even though we live in a world that is hurting very badly, there is still some hope.

I cry often... when i see someone hurting. I have a deep sadness for the broken people of the world, for those who have been emotionally wounded and especially those who have been hurt by the church. Will the church ever be able to re-establish its integrity?
i dont know... I weep, sometimes in embarassing places too, If i feel so much sadness at the state of the world, i know Gods sadness is a thousand times more, it must tear Him up inside to see his beautiful creations falling apart. But He will fix it when it is the right time.