its nearly time to start thinking again

ever had that feeling tht you're not really part of the world?

its happened to me before, i would feel like i was disconnected from myself, like i was viewing things from above. well not literally viewing from above like levitation, but a detatched kind of feeling. like being not completely present.

today i was biking home and it was a strange feeling. there was a sparseness in the place. the clouds in the evening sky created an odd kind of atmosphere, a half glowing reminiscent feel. the wind whistled, the cars seemed far away but would arrive more quickly than you anticipated, a chain rattled against the flagpole. the trees in their deep silence would bend slightly as if they were about to say something. the passers by would turn their heads slightly to look at me strangely.the lady feeding the roosters and the old man waiting at the bus stop. the young guy standing in line for the bank machine when i biked past the shopping centre, the walkers crossing the street. the arab kids playing football on the basketball courts, even the dog looked at me with inquistion as i pedalled past him. and my bike would make the clunking noise it makes in the background.

we had critical mass at school today. i wish i could understand dutch. i spent the whole day looking at the other students in my class's art work and listening to them explain it in dutch and trying to figure out if the lecturers intense responses were a good or a bad thing. i quietly got some students to translate for me after each one what the conversation was about. its really strange to be in a place where all the people around you are speaking these noises that make sense. it really freaks me out when i dont know the difference between dutch and the other languages of minority groups that are spoken here, its all just derka derka to me.
its getting embarrassing now how often i have to say 'sorry i can only speak english' when the checkout chicks ask me a question and i just make this dumb face at them like omg you are honestly just talking nonsense. the other day i was waiting in line and the guy at the counter started talking to me while i was off in lala land. it took a while for me to realise he was talking to me and i said 'oh sorry! i can only speak english' then he proceeded to talk to another customer about me, something about 'engels', i have no idea what he said to them but they had a good laugh about it. far out!

well its pretty hard to get integrated into a place when you dont know what everyones going on about. my fault though. i should have learned dutch i think. it was all good for the first couple of months, and now theres only 2 months left so theres not much point.